I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
