So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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