"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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