You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
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I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
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I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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