New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
