We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
