I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
