I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
