He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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