Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
