Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
