I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
