Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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