Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
