Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
What drink are we having for lunch?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
