I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
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What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
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I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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