hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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