i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
