I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
