I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
