Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
