If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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