I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42ā€¯ tv lol
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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