Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Randomize
