Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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