I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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