I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
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