last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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