In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
i've created a new STD.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
