i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
