You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
