ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
