i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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