I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It's blow job season.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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