My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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