Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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