On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
