New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
