someone threw a dead crab at me
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
