God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
