Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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