Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You are the jesus of drinking
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
