I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
