Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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