history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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