The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
