I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
