mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
