why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
