I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
