so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
