i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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