Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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