absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Who did Billy Mays play for?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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