o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
