i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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