Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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