omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
