Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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