Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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