Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
